Being a Homebody
I was speaking with a friend about a week ago, who was complaining about the challenges of working from home. Children banging on the door, work spaces constantly violated, and the ever looming temptation of the kitchen...
But more than all of that, he related, he was spending far more time with his family than ever before. “You know,” he says, “I always made sure to spend quality time with my family. But quantity time is much more difficult.”
We know the struggle: It frustrating to have a kid barging in on zoom calls as we frantically reach for the mute button so that our colleagues don't have to hear “Wipe me!”.
It's tough to wrestle our kids to bed and then settle in to start the work day.
But while we are only just becoming accustomed to the Avoda of constant family time, many of our Gedolim understood that family is not only not a distraction from “what we need to get done.” Family is the bedrock of all other Avoda.
At his wife’s funeral, R’ Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, Rosh Yeshivat Kol Torah, who was known for his pleasant ways and good heart, stood at the grave and said softly, “You know that I have no need to ask your forgiveness. We always lived in mutual respect and harmony and I never insulted you whatsoever.”
The above is well known, but not so what followed, as told by one of his talmidim, today a Rav in Los Angeles:
“The funeral was over and I was privileged to drive the Rosh Yeshivah home. I couldn’t hold myself back and asked him, ‘Excuse me for asking the Rosh Yeshivah a personal question on this difficult day, but I am a young student and I have a desire to learn. How can it be that the Rosh Yeshivah never said an insulting word to the Rebbetzin in all of his married life, for over fifty years? Did the Rosh Yeshivah always want what she wanted? Did everything she did always find favor in your eyes?”
“He replied, ‘Of course not! Even twins who grew up in the same house have different opinions. Nevertheless, I never offended her. Whenever I felt an urge to remark about something that disturbed me, I would sit and think: With what compliment can I preface my words? How can I make my comment without hurting her? With what good word can I end off and leave a pleasant atmosphere between us?’
He was silent for a moment, then added, ‘If I couldn’t find the proper formula, I would simply remain silent. But never did I utter an offensive word to my wife!’
The care and concern of Reb Shlomo Zalman for his wife was the training for his sensitivity to Klal Yisrael. From that relationship, he became the posek hador. Not in spite of it, because of it.
Where Are You, You?
The Torah tells us this Shabbos about twins with divergent approaches to life. We have all grown up to believe Yaakov and Esav were completely different. But a closer look at the Chumash reveals that they were most likely quite similar. At the very least, Yitzchak Avinu did not see Esav as completely evil or different. If there was such a stark contrast, Yitzchak would never have confused Yaakov for Esav in giving the Brachos!
Indeed, the Kotzker explained regarding Esav: > Don’t think that Esav was a lowly pig farmer... Esav had a long beard and payos. He had Chasidim who came to hear his brilliance at Shaloshudis. How did he go so wrong? Because his brother Yaakov was truly the Tzadik Hador, and Esav refused to accept it.
Of course, the Torah itself never specifically delineates what it is that makes Yaakov better than Esav, and the Navi (מלאכי א ב) indicates the closeness and similarity of these brothers: > אָהַבְתִּי אֶתְכֶם אָמַר י״י וַאֲמַרְתֶּם בַּמָּה אֲהַבְתָּנוּ הֲלוֹא אָח עֵשָׂו לְיַעֲקֹב נְאֻם י״י וָאֹהַב אֶת יַעֲקֹב > I have loved you, says Hashem. Yet you say: 'How have you loved us?' Was Esav not Yaakov's brother? Says Hashem; Yet I loved Yaakov...
And yet, Chazal explain that Esav became and developed into tyranny of Rome, the nemesis of all that Yerushalayim represents.
So it is encumbered upon us to understand the essential difference between Yaakov and Esav. Why did they turn out as they did? The Torah (כה כז) gives us a single clue to their childhood: > וַיִּגְדְּלוּ הַנְּעָרִים וַיְהִי עֵשָׂו אִישׁ יֹדֵעַ צַיִד אִישׁ שָׂדֶה וְיַעֲקֹב אִישׁ תָּם יֹשֵׁב אֹהָלִים > The boys grew. Esav was a skillful hunter, a man of the field. Yaakov was a wholesome man, living in tents.
Rebbe Nosson (הל׳ ספר תורה ה״ד כ״ב) explains that this pasuk indicates the fundamental difference between Yaakov and Esav was how they defined themselves. Esav was an איש שדה – a working man. Yaakov was a יושב אהלים – he dwelled at home.
What Defines Us?
This question – where are we most ourselves – is a daily challenge in our generation. And it has been amplified in recent months. In this crazy year, when the difference between work life and home life has all but disappeared.
*A man was once introduced to the Lubavitcher Rebbe, who asked him “what do you do”. The man replied “I am a lawyer.” The Rebbe continued” “I didn't ask you how you earn a living. I asked you what you do.”*
That's not a simple question. What do we do?
After vacations, parents like to joke that going back to work is the real vacation. That's where we feel successful, in control, in charge. That's where we feel as if we are fulfilling our mission and purpose in the world. But Yaakov Avinu disagrees. The primary Avoda of a Jew is when we are at home.
*A number of years ago, a few of us in YU Semicha were talking to a Community Rabbi who had a number of challenges raising his children. We asked him how to balance his community who were calling on him, and his family that needed him. He responded; “It's pretty clear to me. Our professions are the obligations that we choose to do. But the family we have are the obligations that Hashem has given us.”*
A Jewish Home
Rabbi Aharon Levine, the Rav of Reisha in Poland, would explain the Pasuk: כי ביתי בית תפילה יקרא לכל העמים – “For My House is a Home of Prayer for all the nations”.
If one enters a non Jewish home, one will find furniture, food and decorations. But in a Jewish home, one finds more: Siddurim, Sefarim, a shtender, pictures of Gedolim. Our homes are filled with tefillah, kiddush, zemiros, benching and brachos. Such things are not found in non-Jewish homes, they're in places of worship. When a non Jew sees a Jewish home, it's the same as a church for them. A Jewish home would readily be called a house of prayer by the standards of any other nation.
But the profundity of this idea is far more than a cute thought. Because Yaakov Avinu's primary chiddush, indeed, the entire institution of the Avos, is that a single family can change the world. For this reason, Rav Hirsch notes that throughout the Torah, a Jew is only ever counted למשפחותם לבית אבותם – for their families according to the house of their ancestors.
Our most cherished, important and meaningful occupation is at home. Hashem should help us to be יושבי אוהל – holy homebodies who cherish the opportunity to become greater people and greater Jews through our lives at home.