But Rebbe! It's COVID?!

#Emor #תשפא

The Space Between Resilience and Empathy

Much like any other year, as Shavuos approaches, students begin to realize that finals are coming. But this year is not like any other year. This year, there have been a myriad of interruptions to the course of study. And despite everyones best attempt, nothing has been normal.

All of this coalesced into a singular, anguished cry from a group of students last week:

“But Rebbe, you can't possibly expect us to review all that?! It's COVID?!”

I want to unpack this cry. It's a seemingly benign complaint but are many layers here and invisible dangers lurking; and I wonder what we might find if we look a little closer.

What would you answer these students? What should the correct response be for me, as a Rebbe?

We, our children, and our students have all suffered a year of COVID-induced disruption. Masking, distancing, zooming, quarantines and a barrage of new rules, have dominated our times and mind space. Every parent and teacher knows it is has been a devastating year for education.

But we all have a choice to make. How do we 'spin' this reality for ourselves and our children? In my mind, the pendulum swings between two extremes: Resilience and Empathy

Resilience argues: Hashem only gives you challenges that you can overcome. COVID has presented you with a once-in-a-century opportunity. If you push yourself to persevere, work hard and accomplish, you will be unstoppable. The most important thing is to believe in yourself and keep moving forward.

Empathy responds: This has been a relentlessly challenging year. Hashem knows that your mental health, self esteem and social life are the building blocks of a well grounded personality. You have no hope of growing without a measure of self care. Hold off on the pressure for learning and grades. All of that can be made up. The most important thing is to stay safe and stay sane.

Which is the correct path to take? What would you say to your child if they complained about the challenge of an upcoming final this year? And what will you say next year when our children say “we didn't learn that, it was COVID?”

Let's analyze the question:

We'll begin with some classic terminology. Galdus and Katnus: literally, Greatness and Smallness. There are times in life when we experience גדלות – greatness; Simchas, promotions and vacations. These are times when things are going right. Smallness – קטנות, on the other hand, is in the world of failure, sickness, sadness and defeat.

In all areas of our lives, our relationships with Hashem, our loved ones and ourselves, work, school, hobbies and interests, we oscillate between periods of Greatness and Smallness. Colloquially: when things are going right and when they're not.

There are times when we're eating right, getting enough sleep, davening, learning, giving tzedaka, achieving “zero inbox”, and feeling productive. And then there are times when everything falls apart, and finding the car keys is an insurmountable challenge.

Often, the causes of these oscillations are far outside of our control. Forces inside and outside of us fling us from one experience to the other, leaving us with little else other than choosing a response. In these moments, the way we think about our lives and circumstances is referred to as מוחין דגדלות and מוחין דקטנות – Thought Patters of Greatness and Smallness.

It is tempting to think that our thought patterns are simply intellectual reactions to when things are going great or terribly. But this is inaccurate. More appropriately, מוחין דגדלות, means clarity, and מוחין דקטנות is confusion. These could exist whether things are amazing or terrible. (תשואות חן פר׳ ויחי בשם הבעש״ט)

To illustrate: Consider for example, how we react in times of acute crisis; which are undoubtably times of great challenge and smallness. There might well be pain, sickness, tragedy and trauma. But very often, there is tremendous clarity in how to respond. When accidents happen, EMTs know what to do on the side of the road. When crisis' arise, our communities know how to lobby politicians. We take to the streets. We raise the money. Sometimes, the challenge is only situation and the response is clear.

Contrast this with a college graduate who has no idea what to do next in life. So many opportunities present themselves. Everything in their life might well be amazing, but they are overwhelmed by purposelessness; feeling lost, unmotivated and confused. Here, the situation is fantastic. But the correct response is unintelligible.

This discrepancy leaves us with the question: Are we currently in a state of crisis, confusion or both?

It is obvious that the answer to this question will differ from person to person, and day to day. Perhaps even from minute to minute. And thus our responses much adapt. Because choosing the wrong side is devastatingly destructive.

Telling a person who is genuinely overwhelmed by life and the world that they should “push through, and keep going” is upsetting, demeaning, and bordering on torturous.

On the other hand, neglecting to inspire resilience and perseverance in a person who is capable, is demotivating and encourages complacency. Or worse, it convinces them that they are not actually capable of more.

Probing a little deeper, however, will reveal that both approaches are essential, and that there is an order to these perspectives: Resilience, striving and success need to be built on a platform of health and positivity.

No one wants mental health, happiness and positivity to be the sum total of their final goal, even if they must be the temporary goal. They are our “neutral”, our starting point. We all want life to be about moving forward and pushing ourselves to succeed.

All of this is to say that the statement “But Rebbe, it's COVID?!” needs tremendous clarification, not to mention self awareness. Should this complaint be answered with empathy or resilience?

Clearly, it is essential to show empathy for those who need it (including ourselves). And it is equally important to inspire and insist on resilience and perseverance for those who are able (including ourselves.)

This challenge of determining this with sensitivity is highlighted at the beginning of our parsha.

The Torah opens with its instructions to the Kohanim: Do not come into contact with a dead body. But the words that the Torah uses are irregular. Hashem commands Moshe to “say to the Kohanim, and say to them”: אמור... ואמרת. This redundancy is noted by Rashi, who comments:

אמר ואמרת – להזהיר גדולים על הקטנים – The great ones should instruct the small ones.

But, one might ask, the obligation of Chinuch applies to all Mitzvos in the Torah! Why does the Torah emphasize this to us specifically regarding the mitzvos that pertain to Kohanim?

Rav Zalman Sorotzkin explained: Most of the time, we create normative expectations for our children and it is simple for for them to understand what is right and what is wrong. But the Kohen is asked to do something quite different. He is told to educate his children with different expectations from everyone else. This is not the same as regular Chinuch. Whenever there are unique expectations, special attention is mandatory.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe notes that the language of Rashi adds not only the obligation of instruction, but the attitude. The word להזהיר means both to illuminate and to admonish. Thus the obligation of להזהיר גדולים על הקטנים means that the response to challenge is to empathize, encourage and illuminate. Simultaneously, never resigning ourselves to comfort when clarity is possible.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with these challenges or any others. All of this requires immense intellectual honesty as well as constant tweaking, adjustment, conversation, kindness, patience, trial and error. We need to be asking ourselves and our children: What can we expect of ourselves? What do we need to be able to expect more?

This year is only one such example; the question is existential. Wherever we face challenges in Torah, Mitzvos, relationships and business, we need to proceed with sensitivity and caution. But one thing is clear is to me: If we hope to grow, there is only one response: “I don't know if I can, but Hashem please help me. I really want to.”